You know I love you, right? I really do, but in order for us to move on in our relationship, I really must get this off my chest. It's been a year and a half that we've been together but there's some things that just annoy me about you. If you want to continue on with our relationship there's just a few things you need to work on.
First of all, your speed limit on all your parkways and major roadways is just way too low. 55 MPH, really? Who made this law, my grandmother? No wonder Floridians get so mad when all the snowbirds invade the south, because all the Yanks are used to not going over 55. In Florida, mostly all interstates have a speed limit of 70 MPH. This means you can go at least 85 without getting into trouble.
This speed limit of 55 MPH is kind of a problem for me. On account of that I commute a total of 2 hours a day for work and on account of I have a medical condition. Don't worry, it's not that serious of a condition but it is a condition I have dealt with since I turned 16. It's condition in my right foot called Lead Foot Syndrome. This syndrome is caused by having lead in my right foot so it causes driving slow to be almost impossible since my foot is so heavy on the accelerator. It's a real condition you guys! Google it if you don't believe me.
New York, it would help me out so much if you could just increase your speed limit, especially on the Southern, Northern, Ocean and Sagtikos Parkways to 70MPH, or even just 65 would be beneficial. You see, with my medical condition and being that if I get another ticket I might have my license suspended I am in a bit of a bind. If you could just raise this speed limit it would mean more sleep for me, less of being late for work, more time for me to get ready for work or go out after work and less time for my friends to have to wait for me to get home from work and less of me having road rage at all the Yanks out there that actually drive the slow ass speed limit.
Secondly, why are your state taxes so damn high? I mean I know you're a little high maintenance and all with your big, busy city but damn dude. I'm not all that great with this tax stuff, that's what accountants are for, right? But I know that when I get my paycheck stub and see my net pay versus what is actually in my paycheck it just down right pisses me off. Where does all my hard working money go? To the schools? I don't have kids so why should my money go there? To the roads? If so, why are there so many damn potholes? And I know my money doesn't go to the snow plowers, and if it is they aren't doing their jobs right because my road sure wasn't plowed right after all this snow.
And that brings me to another topic that's pissing me off, New York. Why you gotta snow so much this winter? You weren't this bad last year. Are you mad at me or something? I know I left you for 3 months but you don't have to show your madness with record breaking snow fall. You're making my commute to work more stressful than my actual day at work, running the boardwalk a slippery obstacle course so therefore I'm not getting my ass into shape, wearing heels outside impossible, street parking a nightmare, stumbling home from the bar more dangerous than it should be, and worst of all you're giving me the winter blues!
So New York, please don't take this post the wrong way, I still do love you. I love your surfer filled beaches. I love your never sleeping big city. I love your defined seasons, especially summer. I love your excitement for sports, even though I'm not a Yankees, Giants, Jets or Mets fan(okay, so I might like the Jets just a little bit). I love your events for celebrating holidays, even if some of them are made up (i.e. Irish Day). I love the way you pronounce your vowels(I gotta say, the accents are growing on me, even though I hope I never talk like that). Trust me, I'm not going to leave you anytime soon. But if you can't do something soon about these things that annoy me, I might have to take some sort of action. I already got a new car just so we could stay together. Where's the compromise, New York? If you don't start making me more happy New York, I might just have to go find some place else that will! Maybe like Boston? Don't worry I'll only be gone for a little over a week. Or maybe Vegas? The trip is already booked but I can always cancel my flight back!
My home in New York. Yes, I live in a barn.
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