I've been walked all over, used, misunderstood, unappreciated, neglected, let down, rejected, shut out, damaged, broken, shattered into a million pieces. I've found myself drowning in a pool of my own tears on the bathroom floor. But did I drown? No. It might have been hard, but I picked myself up, blew my nose, wiped the tears off my face, breathed in and kept going. I'm a fighter. I fight for what I want and what I believe in. But I've noticed the more I get knocked down, the harder it has become to get back up. The closer I get, the harder the hits. The harder the hits, the more vulerable I become. You would think after getting knocked down so many times, I would just give up. But I don't. I fight without a shield or a wall to protect me. I fight with an unguarded heart. One might think the more I get knocked out the bigger the wall I would build. I am opposite. Through my experiences of getting hurt time and time again one might think I would learn from the past and protect my heart with a wall. But I don't. I'm a risk taker. I take chances, hoping something good will come out of it. Hoping for love. Hoping for happiness. Hoping for a future. No one knows their future. No one knows what might be right or wrong right away, you just have to take the chance and hope for the best.
I say this, but I just don't know how many more risks I can take anymore. Risks are so uncertain, unforseen. All you can do when you take a risk is hope that it turns out the way you want. And more than likely, it doesn't. I can't just hope anymore. Hope is just a dirty 4 letter word to me now. It picks you up, gives you sometimes unrealistic goals and expectation and then breaks you down when all your dreams you were wanting don't become your present. I guess this was why hope was left in Pandora's box. All the evil poured out over the world but hope was left. I think hope can be just as evil as anything else in this world.
I've always been one to say give things a chance. What do you have to lose? If you don't take the chance, then how will you ever know if things could have worked out? You could have found the person you've been waiting your whole life on, the one person that puts all your shattered pieces back together. The one that makes this crazy messed up world make sense to you. And what if you didn't give it a chance? You could miss out on your one shot of happiness. Your shot of having it all and having what you've always dreamed about. But after so many let downs, rejections, and the couple of times I thought I got it all right went totally wrong, I just don't think I can put myself out there anymore. I don't know how many more times I can get back up from the many knock downs my life has thrown at me. I think this time I'm down for the count. KOed. Too battered and bruised to get back up and fight all over again. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. Start laying down the bricks and start building a wall. Put my heart back in my chest instead of wearing it on the outside of my body. Protect myself. My heart. My mind.
