After reviewing my 30 before 30, I am beginning to think I'm a complete failure. Since the new year started I have already eaten 2 cans of Spaghettios, Stayed in bed past noon 3 days, my kitchen sink is full, and have yet to even look at WordPress for my new blog. The only things I have really done are booked an upcoming trip to Florida, gone to the gym a few times, and looked over my resume to start sending out to find a new job. Guess I gotta try a little harder at this!
While looking over my resume and getting some help from a friend of mine, it's really got me thinking about this whole resume thing. I mean, does a resume really tell a person who you really are and what you can and can't do? Sure, you can put down that you're good at this or that, have experience in whatever and went to an awesome school and have a degree in rocket engineering, but what does a resume really say about what kind of person you really are?
It's usually not hard for me to write. In my writing classes in school my professor would give me a topic, I would maybe do a little research, start writing, turn the paper in without even reading it over and get an A. But when it comes down to writing a resume, I find myself sitting with my computer in my lap and staring at a blank screen. It should be easy, right? All I'm writing is about myself(which I do way too much) and my work experience and skills. But now that I've been thinking and over thinking about what I should write in my resume, it's got me thinking into what I really want to write.
This is when I started writing what is below: a resume of my real life. A resume I would NEVER send to future employers, but a resume that wouldn't be so boring like a professional one. A resume of what I really want to say.
Stella "Baller" Elizabeth Taylor863-528-2592
Long Beach, NY
Purpose
To find a real, grown up, 9 to 5, Monday through Friday job. A job where I don't have to deal with cranky, stupid or tacky people. One with awesome health benefits due to my recent health issues, at least 3 weeks paid vacation, sick and personal days, with great pay. A fun job in the city with amazing people that I don't dread going to everyday.
Education
University of South Florida
Tampa, FL
December 2005
BA in Mass Communications, Telecommunications
A degree I have yet and probably will never use in the telecomm field. It's still a degree so who really cares what it's in? I'm not trying to be a doctor or a lawyer. It's not like I actually remember anything I learned in college anyway.
Professional and Community Affiliation
Delta Delta Delta
BA Chapter
Tri Delta, no, not everyone else has!
Employment
Official Fact Checker of Ian Murphy
Long Beach, NY
Summer 2011 until whenever I fail to find a fact.
- Research anything Ian Murphy might think is a fact to reveal if they really are fact or fiction.
- On call 24/7 to make sure Mr. Murphy has his facts correct.
- Answer any debate Mr. Murphy might be having with other LB residents to ensure the truth.
- Proficient with Google and other search engines.
- Provide photos and proof of all found facts. i.e. fish have tongues.
Nazi, Germany
From the day I sold my soul to the day I was born again.
- Did whatever Hitler said to do.
- Learned to work on no sleep.
- Became a complete perfectionist and developed anal tendencies.
- Walked around school campuses and other places looking for great looking, aspirational people. Oh yeah, can't forget diverse too.
- Consumed enough caffeine to fill the Atlantic Ocean.
- Sleeve scrunched until my joints obtained carpal tunnel syndrome and side stacked like no other.
- Learned all about dog and pony shows.
Other Skills That I Possess That May or May Not Be Relevant to a Job I'm Interested In But are Still Interesting Skills None the Less
- As previously mentioned in my employment background under my fact checking experience, I have insane researching skills. Not only can I find whether or not something is fact or fiction, I can find people as well. Just give me a first name and 3 facts about a person(place of business, school attended, where they live etc.) and I can find them on Google and Facebook. I do this especially for my friends that forget what a guy looks like that they gave their number to on a drunken night(no this does not make me a stalker!).
- Has an amazing ass.
- I can drive with my foot. Not just with my right foot but can also steer with my left. I get extremely bored on my long commute to work.
- I've never lost a limbo contest. I may have retired for a while due to having my abdomen ripped open last summer, but I'll be back in action this summer!
- I can be completely inebriated and still text with absolutely no typos and maintain perfect grammar.
- I have some sweet dance moves. I invented such moves as "the Cat", "Robot Fist Pump", "Waterfall", "Back Slap", and "the Grab"(with the help of Sammy).
- I'm left-handed which means I'm in my right mind. Also somewhat creative and maybe slightly sinister.
- I can turn any song into a country song. Try me.
- Did I mention I have an amazing ass?
- I'm an amazing multi-tasker. Example: I'm writing this while watching Jersey Shore, playing Words With Friends and drinking a Red Bull.
- Also proficient in Word, Power Point, Excel, and all that other stuff. Oh, and I can type really fast.
