Retail Hell

'Tis the season to be jolly. Or rather for me 'tis the season to be cranky. Yes folks it's that time again. It's time for the lines. The crowds. The fight for the best deals. The annoying holiday commercials. Spreading that holiday consumer cheer.

Back in the day, Christmas was my favorite holiday. I loved putting up decorations with my mom and hanging every ornament on our fake tree. I loved jamming out to Christmas songs by Mariah Carey and N'Sync on my CD player. I loved cutting the tape on my presents when my parents weren't home to see what I was getting before Christmas morning and then re-taping them back. I loved going to the local holiday arts and crafts fair with my mom. I loved the decorations my town put up on all the lamp posts on the streets and the nativity scene the church put out every year. I loved everything about Christmas.

After 8 years of working retail, I have lost my passion for the season. After Halloween, I come down with a bad case of the bah humbugs. Do we really need to put up Christmas trees in the malls before our hangovers from dressing like slutty pirates/nurses/cops/teletubbies are cured?

So what has brought me to this point of total grinch-ification? Besides lack of sleep because of nightmares about my store, Christmas carols that won't get out of my head, and working way too many hours to count, here's just a few more reasons why I am stuck in a retail hell.

Lost. A few weeks ago, a 5 year old girl came up to me in my store with her 3 year old sister. The little girl was almost in tears. She told me she couldn't find her mother. She described what her mother looked like and what she was wearing. I was almost to the point of calling mall security when the little girl spotted her mom in the back of the store. The mom was just shopping away. Picking up stuff, looking for sizes, putting shirts up to herself oblivious to the fact that her little daughters were no longer with her, all the while her 4 year old son ran around the store throwing blotter cards, spraying cologne everywhere, and moving all sale signs from the tables. Really lady? REALLY? Why even have kids if you can't even keep up with them or seem to care when your small children run off? Do you even care that there's child molesters out that would love to take your children? Some people should be punched in the ovaries and never allowed to have children.
And another thing America. If you're going to take your kids shopping, control them! I am not paid extra to babysit nor should I be the one to tell your child not to do something unless you want to pay me. When my mom took me shopping and I was acting up or running away from her, she would threaten me. She would threaten to put one of those child leashes on me. And back then they weren't cute with the little monkey or dog on them, it was an ugly leash. You better believe I stopped and never left my mom's sight after that.

My store is not a trash can. Some people are just so gross. I hate when people leave their Starbucks cups, Pretzel Time napkins, and booger filled tissues behind in my place of work. Do you go around leaving trash all over your house? And do I come to your home or place of work and leave my trash laying around? Didn't think so. It's not so hard to ask if there's a trash can around or to hold it and wait to get back out to the mall where there's a thousand garbage cans positioned everywhere.

My fitting rooms are not bathrooms either. Shit happens. But why the hell would it happen in fitting rooms? I know that fitting rooms are private little spaces with doors that look a little like public restrooms just without the sink and toilet but why the hell would you pee, shit, or leave feminine products behind? I mean, how old are you? Do you have that much of a problem with your parts down there that it can't wait to find a bathroom in the mall? Yes, I understand that sometimes children have this problem, but this has actually happened in my stores and it wasn't children that decided to relieve themselves but none other than grown ass adults. And if you did have a problem with your down there parts or had a child that likes to pee on things, wouldn't you clean up after yourself or your child? Are you that gross and inconsiderate of a person to leave this mess for someone else to have to clean up?

Don't shoot the messenger. Sometimes, retail stores run out of items, especially if it's a popular size or item and if it's the holidays. Don't get mad at me if we don't have it. What do you expect me to do, go to the back where I keep a sweat shop and knit the item up for you? Would you like me to pull it out of my ass? Order it online, bitch!
Also, when I say something is company policy and I can't accommodate or do something for you because it's company policy, don't give me those "I'm about to strangle you" eyes. Some things I wish I could do(like lower the music or turn on more lights in my old store) but if someone from corporate comes in, that's my job on the line, not yours.

Vultures. I understand, America is going through bad times. The economy sucks blah blah blah. Yes, people are out looking for the best bang for their bucks, but don't be a little cheap bitch. I hate when people try to scam to get a better deal, for example when they obviously know the one item they found misplaced in the clearance rack was most definitely on the very front table and they want the clearance price for a brand new item. I also hate when people go directly to the clearance section and pick through every piece of merchandise. Of course I like finding good deals too, but do you really have to mess up the entire clearance section by picking through everything like the merchandise was a dead carcass? On the weekends it looks like a dozen vultures hovering over the clearance tables, with their eyes bulging and talons waiting to rip their prey apart.

Extreme Couponing. I have developed a new annoyance just recently. I hate when I ring up a person, all 127 items, they've swiped their credit card, gotten their signature, receipt in the bag and then, oh wait, they forgot, they have a coupon! REALLY? Wouldn't you think about that while in line at the register? Now I have to either return every single item while the person behind you waits and I re-ring it, or I void the transaction and then re-ring it which I'm still having to scan every single item. Oh, but wait, after I return everything and then re-ring everything again, you see how cheap it is and want to grab more items to your purchase, all the while the person behind you is still waiting and getting annoyed with me because I have no one else to put on another register. America, get your coupons ready, printed out from your computer, or already pulled up on your IPhone before approaching the register. And no, I have no coupons to give you or I would have given them to you, you cheap vulture!

Let me help you find your size. I do want to help you so you'll buy stuff so I can make business for the day, but I also don't want you to mess up my stack that I just fixed by shuffling through trying to find that medium. I'm not just asking you if you need my help, I'm asking you so you won't make a mess of my store. So, yes, your answer is yes you do need help finding a size. And look, there's size stickers, right there, to help even more so you don't have to look at every single tag.

Shopping for others. Many mothers shop for their children and especially during the holidays relatives and friends shop for their loved ones. I understand, shopping for others when they aren't with you can be a bit tricky. I will help customers as much as possible find a gift for their loved ones, but what makes it rather difficult for me is when the customer has no idea what size to buy. I have gotten this many times, "what size would my nephew be?" Okay ma'am, I'm sorry I do not think I know your nephew so if you could be a bit more specific that would be amazing. Or, what I just encountered the other day, customer-"she's about your size." me-"okay so she's like a 0 or 1/2." customer-"no I'm pretty sure she's a 9/10." I'm trying to help you so don't insult me because I've never been, nor will I hopefully ever be, a size 9/10. Or the infamous, "he's 14, what size would that be?" Alright ma'am, seeing how more and more children in America are becoming morbidly obese, he could be an XXL for all I know. If he was average, then I would say a small, but who knows with kids these days and the things they stick in their mouths.

Little Miss Matchy Match. I used to love to match my shirt to my belt to my watch to my shoes etc. etc. etc. But I never matched my sweatpants to my hoodie. It's fine to match a color that's on a hoodie to sweatpants like if the letters on a navy hoodie were grey then get the grey sweatpants, but when a customer wants a pink hoodie and a pink pair of sweatpants, and it has to be the exact same color, I want to vomit. This just reminds me of the late 80's to early 90's when my cousins, brother and I had matching windbreakers. Cool back then, not so cool now. If you're wearing all the same color from your hood to your ankles, you look like a giant crayon. Plus, I bet this matching monstrosity is not just going to be worn at home to lounge around in, it's going to be worn out to dinner, the movies, class, or to shop for more matching fleece ensembles.

To all those holiday shoppers out there, if you possess any of the above characteristics, stay away from my store please unless you want to see me mentally break down. And to all my fellow retail friends, I hope you can relate to this post and send me a message if you have anything else to add on!

I'm usually a really cool, calm and collective person, but I've noticed as I get order, my patience grows thinner and thinner. Hopefully one day sooner than later I will leave this retail hell I have found myself in before I snap. After 8 years of doing the same thing, it's kind of hard to move on and do something else that's out of my comfort zone. After my rant, it might seem like working retail is like me being tourtured, but at times it's not so bad. I do hope and plan to get out of this retail hell soon though, maybe work on the corporate side. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be discovered for the writer I am and hopefully dreamed to be. If you're a publisher, or know a publisher, or know of a really awesome job in the NYC area, help a young single girl out! Get me out of this retail hell!

In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Merry Hanukkah or whatever. Safe shopping and be nice to those retail associates out there! Remember we are humans too!

My 28th Year of Life in Review

I've been meaning to write this blog post for quite sometime, but the real world has been bringing me down and I haven't had time for anything really except for a few baller nights in the city, work, and maybe a few hours for sleep. I wanted to write this post before my 29th birthday, but I am a slight procrastinator and haven't had much inspiration lately. This blog post is all about my 28th year of life. 28 doesn't seem like such an exciting year. 28 is not really milestone in life nor does anything really important happen at 28. But to me, 28 was pretty life changing. 28 was my year of life lessons. My year of quarter +3 year crisis. My year of excitement, adventure, spontaneity, trials, travels, heartache, appreciation, incite, friendship, hardship, inspiration, reflection, independence, fear, strength, change.

My 28th year of life began in the beautiful city of Copenhagen, Denmark. Everyone that knows me knows that I love to travel. I live to travel. Being a writer you'd think I'd write all about my traveling experiences and I really don't know why I haven't gotten around to doing so. In my 28th year of life, traveling was a huge part of it. I loved Copenhagen and thinking back now, I literally miss it. I was basically living there for a month while opening the first AnF store in Denmark. On October 21st, 2010(my birthday), I spent working my ass off with my team getting ready for the Abercrombie Hitler to invade the country of the beautiful and tasty Danish(beautiful being the people, tasty being the pastry). After Copenhagen, it was back to NY, then off to Milan for 2 weeks. Milan wasn't as exciting to me as Denmark or Hawaii because I had been there already, but it still was pretty amazing. I found myself trying to speak Spanish to the Italians as they looked at me like I had two heads. In Denmark, everyone spoke English. In the outskirts of Milan, not so much. This made my job very challenging and sometimes frustrating. But I love the Italians(which I already knew seeing how mostly all the guys I date have some percentage of Italian in them) and want to go back soooooo bad(next time it's going to be Florence, Rome, and Venice).

After my 2 weeks in Italy, it was off to the other side of the world. 27 long hours of flying, watching about 10 movies, waiting in airports, watching my feet swell from sitting too long, reading, and texting everyone once I got back to the states, I had finally arrived to a place of paradise. Aloha! I had made my journey to Hawaii. The day I left Milan, it had been snowing. They had to deice my plane. Now it was time to take off my winter coat and change into my swim suit. But first I needed to sleep and try to figure out what time it was in this new time zone. I was all sorts of screwed up.

In my 28th year of life, I got to see so much I had never seen before. Copenhagen, Milan, and Honolulu were amazingly beautiful all in different ways, experiencing each place with different people and I have the best memories of it all. Although it was all for work and the work load was sometimes overwhelming and the stress would at times bring me to tears, I was blessed to be able to experience these places and meet these awesome people.

After my travels ended, it was off to Florida for Christmas. I loved that I didn't have to work on Christmas this year and got to spend an entire week with my family. After flying back to NY, it was back to working at Shit Haven Mall. One of the busiest days of the year for shopping just so happened to be the biggest blizzard of the year. Being from Florida and not knowing snow that well at all, I thought for sure my muscle car Mustang could speed straight through the mounds of snow and ice on my 60 mile drive back to Long Beach. I didn't even make it through my first stop light. This continued the rest of January since the snow continued on a weekly basis. I was beginning to think my Sunny wouldn't make it through the winter. After a short road trip to North Carolina and back, I had a new SUV friend named Mitzy. I'll hopefully never get stuck in the snow again!

February, March, April and May of my 28th year was full of traveling yet again, but this time not to the extent of the Fall. In February it was back to Boston to help a store out for the tour of the AnF Nazi. AnF loved sending me to Boston for some reason. I'm not complaining since I love Boston. After that, it was time for a vacation. It was Vegas time baby! My yearly trip, and still as baller as ever. For Easter weekend, my friend Laura and I took a little get away trip to LA. If I had to move away from NY, I would definitely move to Cali.

The snow had finally cleared the streets of LB. Trust me, it took a while for all that snow to finally melt. Flowers were blooming, neighbors were out walking their dogs, restaurants set up chairs and tables outside. It was finally summer. SUMMER! The season all LBers suffer through the rough winters for was finally here. The summer of my 28th year of life was absolutely unforgettable. It was the best of times, yet it was the worst of times...

My summer was spent down on Indiana beach making new friends and playing with old ones. Downing Twisted Teas or to go Cabana margs. Having random dance parties when we were rained out at the beach. Sunday brunch with iced coffee and a centerpiece of pancakes followed by more beach followed by family dinner and then Sunday Funday with Ricky Roach. The Inn every Friday and Saturday night with my girls wondering, "who the hell are all these out of towners?" From BBQs to block parties, summer romances to heartaches, shakeweights to beach umbrella throwing, surf competitions to hurricanes and boardwalk work outs to emergency rooms. My summer had it all. From Memorial Day to Irish Day, each day was an adventure.

By the end of the summer, I was in a state of depression. I absolutely love the summers here. The end of the summer was an end of other things as well. It was the end of my 8 year relationship with the moose. It was time for me to throw in the towel. It was the end of a summer romance that I believed so much in. After picking myself back up from beating myself down, it was time for some more endings. It was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. I almost lost an ovary over the summer, so what? It's not like I almost lost my liver or some part I really needed. I have two, right? It was an end of me putting my whole self into another person. It was time to put my whole self into the person that should be most important to me, ME. It was time for me to start looking towards my future. It was time for change. After a night at the Inn with the ghost of boyfriends past,(basically every guy I had serial dated with was present) and a slight drunken mental breakdown, it was time for me to take a manbatical. I was done with men. For a while anyway. It was time to start a new job where I felt appreciated and make more money for the hard work I put in. It was time for a new and improved Stella Elizabeth Taylor. And it was time for a trip to Atlantic City.

I gotta say, the quote "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", yeah I believe in that. I feel at the end of my 28th year of life, I'm the strongest I've ever been in these 28 years. I feel after my experiences through my 28th year, I'm way more smarter about things. I look back at some situations in my life and think, WTF was I thinking? Really Stella? REALLY? I'm way more cultured. Way more spontaneous. Way more baller. Totally baller. Way more funnier. Way more mature. Okay, maybe not so much way more mature, maybe a little more(that's what she said). And a little more hotter. Or maybe just grew more self confidence.  

So after my 28th year of life, I am a more stronger, intelligent, confident, experienced, cultured, hilariously hot woman. I am happy with the place I am in life, but always hoping and working towards more out of my life. So in my 29th year of life, I hope it's even more baller but maybe not so challenging as my 28th. So far, so good :) Who knows what my life will throw at me this year. 

Other things that happened in my 28th year of life:
-I lost my Blackberry on New Years. I finally upgraded to the amazing IPhone thanks to my lovely parents.
-Found out my bestest is pregnant with twins! So excited to be an aunt but feeling so old!
-Made way too many new friends that I can't even count.
-Experienced my 4th hurricane and wasn't even in Florida for it.
-Know the feeling and confusion of medical bills and have a cool scar to prove it.
-Went to my first surf and skateboarding competitions.
-Went to four different foreign countries.
-Ran into the ocean in February.
-Had a visit from my brother.
-Got my 3rd black eye from a run on the boardwalk.
-Made up a hand full of new dance moves.
-Became a real New Yorker(on my ID anyway).
-Got a new addition to the family named Bully