As little girls, we may not know it at the time, but we all practice to be a mother. We hold our baby dolls close while feeding it with a plastic bottle, dress it up each day, and roll it around in our play strollers, taking care of the doll as if it were a real child. Our dolls would go anywhere and everywhere with us, just like a real mother and child. When becoming teenagers, we sometimes become baby-sitters for neighbors or family friends. Changing diapers, playing "peek-a-boo" or "got your nose", watching Dora the Explorer and learning things about children you never knew all while getting paid. Throughout life, you plan your future; how many children you want, boys or girls, and of course you already have names picked out for your future offspring. Your whole life, you dream of your future. You see what's around you, a mother, a father, brothers or sisters, you see families around you. As a member of society, you are taught to reproduce. You are born, grow up, marry(or maybe not in this century), bare children, raise your children until they grow up and they have their own. It's the basic, normal circle of life(cue Elton John). And as you grow up, it becomes your plan and dream in your life.
But what if one day someone told you that you may not achieve your dream? That it would be a struggle to bare your own flesh and blood? That you have a disease that could cause infertility and to the extreme have those parts that make you a woman removed?
While my best friend has her 7 month sonogram on her twin babies, I have a sonogram on my ovaries. Like most little girls, I have always dreamed of having children. Actually I haven't really dreamed, I just thought it would be natural as in most normal girls to become a mother. And as my best friend and I have grown up together since she was fresh out of the womb, I just figured I'd have children right there with her.
Like I've said in previous posts, I chose a different path. I've been one of those independent women(cue Beyonce). And in this day in age, that's become the norm. Women are becoming mothers later and later in life. And I'm still basically young(although in the south I may be considered an old maid). I'm not from Russia so I haven't been rushin'.
I am far from being ready to be a mother. It's something that I haven't even really thought about. I cringed when the baby popped out into the toilet while watching I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant on TLC. I can't even hold a baby for that long without my arm feeling like it's going to fall or even correctly change a diaper. Formula? Why not just give it some Capri Sun? At my best friend's baby shower I would just smile and nod at half the stuff she received because I had no idea what it was. A wipes warmer and a diaper genie? Say huh?
Most of the time, I think I don't even want kids. With the children that come into my store, they are hell on wheels. They scream, run around, touch everything in sight and just basically annoy the shit out of me. But then again most of the time it's the lack of parenting. When I was a child, my parents weren't afraid to show the belt or threaten me with a kid's leash.
The pros always out way the cons of having children and therefore I do one day(not anytime soon) want children. But now I'm faced with a fairly common disease found in women. If you've read my previous posts, then you know that I was diagnosed with endometriosis last summer. After having a severe, stabbing pain in my side, surgery to remove 2 huge cysts from both ovaries, scraping scar tissue from my internal organs and putting my ovaries that had swapped places back in place resulted of this immense pain.
After the surgery, I knew I would be living with this condition for the rest of my life, until I have a hysterectomy later on in life. I knew I would be taking medicine daily to reduce the effects of the endometriosis. I knew the chances of the cysts coming back. But I had hope that I would be fine. That when I was ready, I would be able to pop a few kids out. Now I'm not so sure.
Last Monday I had my 6 month sonogram and there it was, another cyst feeding on my right ovary. This means the endometriosis is continuing to effect my organs and could mean I don't have much time. If this cyst bursts, I can most likely say goodbye to my right ovary. I have another one right? Still doesn't mean I won't get another one on the left, or have the endo cover it with scar tissue.
This is what happens when you're a female Taylor. My grandmother had a hysterectomy at my age, 29. My aunt had the same thing, and my cousin at age 35. Same problems. Cysts and scar tissue get removed. Then it comes back and that's it. Your womanhood is removed. The difference between my Taylor ladies and me is that I have yet to produce kids.
So here I sit, waying my options. Researching freezing my eggs. Having a wonderful cousin and another friend say they would be my surrogate when I'm ready. But what if I'm too late? Here I am, feeling like an actual ticking time bomb with a cyst that could blow at one wrong movement. Feeling like I have so much depending on this little almond sized thing that has invaded my ovary.
I can only hope in 2 months when I go back for another sonogram that the cyst has disappeared. That I won't need anymore surgery for a while and the endometriosis calms down. I see how happy my friends are with their children, the joy they bring and the unconditional love they have for their kids and I want that one day. One day, I want mini-me's running around, watching them grow up, and know that unconditional love for someone. I want that normal, basic girl's dream.
