Retail Hell

'Tis the season to be jolly. Or rather for me 'tis the season to be cranky. Yes folks it's that time again. It's time for the lines. The crowds. The fight for the best deals. The annoying holiday commercials. Spreading that holiday consumer cheer.

Back in the day, Christmas was my favorite holiday. I loved putting up decorations with my mom and hanging every ornament on our fake tree. I loved jamming out to Christmas songs by Mariah Carey and N'Sync on my CD player. I loved cutting the tape on my presents when my parents weren't home to see what I was getting before Christmas morning and then re-taping them back. I loved going to the local holiday arts and crafts fair with my mom. I loved the decorations my town put up on all the lamp posts on the streets and the nativity scene the church put out every year. I loved everything about Christmas.

After 8 years of working retail, I have lost my passion for the season. After Halloween, I come down with a bad case of the bah humbugs. Do we really need to put up Christmas trees in the malls before our hangovers from dressing like slutty pirates/nurses/cops/teletubbies are cured?

So what has brought me to this point of total grinch-ification? Besides lack of sleep because of nightmares about my store, Christmas carols that won't get out of my head, and working way too many hours to count, here's just a few more reasons why I am stuck in a retail hell.

Lost. A few weeks ago, a 5 year old girl came up to me in my store with her 3 year old sister. The little girl was almost in tears. She told me she couldn't find her mother. She described what her mother looked like and what she was wearing. I was almost to the point of calling mall security when the little girl spotted her mom in the back of the store. The mom was just shopping away. Picking up stuff, looking for sizes, putting shirts up to herself oblivious to the fact that her little daughters were no longer with her, all the while her 4 year old son ran around the store throwing blotter cards, spraying cologne everywhere, and moving all sale signs from the tables. Really lady? REALLY? Why even have kids if you can't even keep up with them or seem to care when your small children run off? Do you even care that there's child molesters out that would love to take your children? Some people should be punched in the ovaries and never allowed to have children.
And another thing America. If you're going to take your kids shopping, control them! I am not paid extra to babysit nor should I be the one to tell your child not to do something unless you want to pay me. When my mom took me shopping and I was acting up or running away from her, she would threaten me. She would threaten to put one of those child leashes on me. And back then they weren't cute with the little monkey or dog on them, it was an ugly leash. You better believe I stopped and never left my mom's sight after that.

My store is not a trash can. Some people are just so gross. I hate when people leave their Starbucks cups, Pretzel Time napkins, and booger filled tissues behind in my place of work. Do you go around leaving trash all over your house? And do I come to your home or place of work and leave my trash laying around? Didn't think so. It's not so hard to ask if there's a trash can around or to hold it and wait to get back out to the mall where there's a thousand garbage cans positioned everywhere.

My fitting rooms are not bathrooms either. Shit happens. But why the hell would it happen in fitting rooms? I know that fitting rooms are private little spaces with doors that look a little like public restrooms just without the sink and toilet but why the hell would you pee, shit, or leave feminine products behind? I mean, how old are you? Do you have that much of a problem with your parts down there that it can't wait to find a bathroom in the mall? Yes, I understand that sometimes children have this problem, but this has actually happened in my stores and it wasn't children that decided to relieve themselves but none other than grown ass adults. And if you did have a problem with your down there parts or had a child that likes to pee on things, wouldn't you clean up after yourself or your child? Are you that gross and inconsiderate of a person to leave this mess for someone else to have to clean up?

Don't shoot the messenger. Sometimes, retail stores run out of items, especially if it's a popular size or item and if it's the holidays. Don't get mad at me if we don't have it. What do you expect me to do, go to the back where I keep a sweat shop and knit the item up for you? Would you like me to pull it out of my ass? Order it online, bitch!
Also, when I say something is company policy and I can't accommodate or do something for you because it's company policy, don't give me those "I'm about to strangle you" eyes. Some things I wish I could do(like lower the music or turn on more lights in my old store) but if someone from corporate comes in, that's my job on the line, not yours.

Vultures. I understand, America is going through bad times. The economy sucks blah blah blah. Yes, people are out looking for the best bang for their bucks, but don't be a little cheap bitch. I hate when people try to scam to get a better deal, for example when they obviously know the one item they found misplaced in the clearance rack was most definitely on the very front table and they want the clearance price for a brand new item. I also hate when people go directly to the clearance section and pick through every piece of merchandise. Of course I like finding good deals too, but do you really have to mess up the entire clearance section by picking through everything like the merchandise was a dead carcass? On the weekends it looks like a dozen vultures hovering over the clearance tables, with their eyes bulging and talons waiting to rip their prey apart.

Extreme Couponing. I have developed a new annoyance just recently. I hate when I ring up a person, all 127 items, they've swiped their credit card, gotten their signature, receipt in the bag and then, oh wait, they forgot, they have a coupon! REALLY? Wouldn't you think about that while in line at the register? Now I have to either return every single item while the person behind you waits and I re-ring it, or I void the transaction and then re-ring it which I'm still having to scan every single item. Oh, but wait, after I return everything and then re-ring everything again, you see how cheap it is and want to grab more items to your purchase, all the while the person behind you is still waiting and getting annoyed with me because I have no one else to put on another register. America, get your coupons ready, printed out from your computer, or already pulled up on your IPhone before approaching the register. And no, I have no coupons to give you or I would have given them to you, you cheap vulture!

Let me help you find your size. I do want to help you so you'll buy stuff so I can make business for the day, but I also don't want you to mess up my stack that I just fixed by shuffling through trying to find that medium. I'm not just asking you if you need my help, I'm asking you so you won't make a mess of my store. So, yes, your answer is yes you do need help finding a size. And look, there's size stickers, right there, to help even more so you don't have to look at every single tag.

Shopping for others. Many mothers shop for their children and especially during the holidays relatives and friends shop for their loved ones. I understand, shopping for others when they aren't with you can be a bit tricky. I will help customers as much as possible find a gift for their loved ones, but what makes it rather difficult for me is when the customer has no idea what size to buy. I have gotten this many times, "what size would my nephew be?" Okay ma'am, I'm sorry I do not think I know your nephew so if you could be a bit more specific that would be amazing. Or, what I just encountered the other day, customer-"she's about your size." me-"okay so she's like a 0 or 1/2." customer-"no I'm pretty sure she's a 9/10." I'm trying to help you so don't insult me because I've never been, nor will I hopefully ever be, a size 9/10. Or the infamous, "he's 14, what size would that be?" Alright ma'am, seeing how more and more children in America are becoming morbidly obese, he could be an XXL for all I know. If he was average, then I would say a small, but who knows with kids these days and the things they stick in their mouths.

Little Miss Matchy Match. I used to love to match my shirt to my belt to my watch to my shoes etc. etc. etc. But I never matched my sweatpants to my hoodie. It's fine to match a color that's on a hoodie to sweatpants like if the letters on a navy hoodie were grey then get the grey sweatpants, but when a customer wants a pink hoodie and a pink pair of sweatpants, and it has to be the exact same color, I want to vomit. This just reminds me of the late 80's to early 90's when my cousins, brother and I had matching windbreakers. Cool back then, not so cool now. If you're wearing all the same color from your hood to your ankles, you look like a giant crayon. Plus, I bet this matching monstrosity is not just going to be worn at home to lounge around in, it's going to be worn out to dinner, the movies, class, or to shop for more matching fleece ensembles.

To all those holiday shoppers out there, if you possess any of the above characteristics, stay away from my store please unless you want to see me mentally break down. And to all my fellow retail friends, I hope you can relate to this post and send me a message if you have anything else to add on!

I'm usually a really cool, calm and collective person, but I've noticed as I get order, my patience grows thinner and thinner. Hopefully one day sooner than later I will leave this retail hell I have found myself in before I snap. After 8 years of doing the same thing, it's kind of hard to move on and do something else that's out of my comfort zone. After my rant, it might seem like working retail is like me being tourtured, but at times it's not so bad. I do hope and plan to get out of this retail hell soon though, maybe work on the corporate side. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be discovered for the writer I am and hopefully dreamed to be. If you're a publisher, or know a publisher, or know of a really awesome job in the NYC area, help a young single girl out! Get me out of this retail hell!

In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Merry Hanukkah or whatever. Safe shopping and be nice to those retail associates out there! Remember we are humans too!