Lately, I've been letting my insecurities get the best of me. But honestly, what in life is secure? You can say that you have job security, but what happens when the economy goes down the drain or your company decides to close up shop? Is your job secure then? You could be secure with the way you look but then fall flat on your face and get a black eye. Would you be secure then? And what about relationships? A person could say they have a secure relationship one day and then the next their significant other could walk away and leave them for someone new. Hell, life isn't even secure. You could be driving down the road one minute and end up dead on the highway the next minute. Sorry to be graphic, but that's just life. Sure I know I'm a cute girl and I'm not talking about my insecurities with the way that I look, I'm talking about my insecurities within relationships and dating.
So where did these insecurities and uncertainties come from? How did I go from Miss Smooth Operator to Miss Doubtful? Like most characteristics of one's personality, you aren't just born with these, you develop them throughout life from values you are taught or things you experience. Experiences in life is what shapes who you are and who you become. David Beckham didn't just wake up one day as an awesome soccer player. It takes practice, experience through playing a many a games. A person's biggest fear usually isn't instilled in them at birth, you develop fear through experience. I didn't just say one day, "You know what, I think I'm gonna start being scared of birds from now on." I developed a fear of birds from a bad experience with a mama bird when I was younger. The mama bird had a nest in a tree in my front yard. Every time I walked outside, she would fly down and peck me on the head. After being terrorized by this mean mama, I decided to not use my front door anymore and would use the back door, walk all the way around to the front of my house and high tail it down the road before she could spot me. Another bad experience with birds happened about 3 years ago, I was laying by the pool and a seagull swooped down and shit on my leg. I've heard it's good luck to be crapped on by a bird, but I really don't see anything good about white poop on any part of my body. Now, anytime a bird gets near me, I get a little nervous or have a mini freak out. I don't like birds and probably never will due to these experiences.
When my insecurities and doubtfulness within relationships began, I could probably pin point my lowest of my low experience 2 years ago. At the time, I was so unbelievably happy with my then boyfriend. Although it was long distance(me being in Miami, him almost being Canadian) we made it work. We talked about me possibly moving up there, destination weddings, how many kids we wanted, we talked about it all because one of the most important things in a long distance relationship is talking and communicating and without it, there is no relationship. After giving up my free Southwest flight for him to come visit, an amazing weekend in the sun and rain on the Florida beaches, I wanted to be with him even more. After dropping him off at the airport, I was left at work waiting for his call or text after he arrived home. I received nothing. I texted him wondering if he made it home okay. He said he just had a bad day and wanted time for himself. I understood. A day went by, he wanted more time to himself. I understood. A week went by, no call, no text, nothing. I couldn't just sit there anymore waiting by my phone thinking everything was fine while my boyfriend that I couldn't see because of being over 1,000 miles away and that I was so used to talking to for hours on end each day did not call me. I finally gave in and contacted him. And that was the end of that. He was just in a different place, had too much on his plate, too busy, not ready to be so committed. I was left heartbroken, breaking into waterspouts at anything that reminded me of him. I was left with disappointment, doubt, and just plain sick to my stomach. How could something so good, something that I believed in and felt so secure with, end just like that? After this break up, I felt defeated, let down, and most importantly, insecure. It left me feeling doubtful about any other relationship I might have. It took longer for me to actually get over the relationship than the relationship actually lasted. Which brings me to another point of why I have seemed to have lost my groove.
I admit, with relationships and dating, I have been known to rush into things. My last relationship, the one I just discussed that left me so broken hearted, a mere 2 to 3 months. But to be fair, I'm fast at everything. At one point in high school, I was the fastest girl in my school. I ran track throughout high school and was a sprinter. Also, in previous posts, I discussed my lead foot syndrome. I drive fast, getting pulled over every once in a while. After getting tickets, I have slowed down a bit, but tend to forget about those tickets after a while. Plus, damn it, I'm gonna be late for work if I don't drive fast! Like my driving, I don't even know that I'm going too fast. I just go with the flow of traffic, go with what feels right for me. I wish there was a dating police out there to pull me over whenever I'm rushing into things to give me a ticket, or at least a warning. I mean I ain't from Russia, so why is I rushin'(they only want me for my pimp juice)?
Also, like I've mentioned in a previous post, I am boy-dyslexic. I don't know how to read them and the older I get, the less I understand them. And in my post "Unsolved Mysteries", I have said I am pretty good at figuring out if a guy is in to me or not. But just recently, I've been thrown for a loop. I can't figure it out. Sometimes I wish I were a kid again so I could write a note saying, "Do you like me? Check Yes or Check No" insert boxes by Yes and No and give it to my best friend to pass over to my crush. In this day in age, do they have an App for that? That could be very handy for all the ladies out there.
So how does Stella get her groove back? In the movie, Stella gets her groove back with a younger guy from Jamaica. I used to be a bit of a cougar and I am on an island, maybe not Jamaica, but it is an island. I think this Stella has yet to figure that one out though. For now, this Stella just needs to stop to smell the flowers New York is about to spring up, stop stressing out about every single little thing, learn how to play it cool again and not let the insecurities get the best of her. Easier said than done, right? I need to stop thinking that all birds are going to swoop down and peck me on the head, shit on me, or take off with my French fries and fly away. There are some birds out there that don't fly, right? Like the penguin. They're cuter than any of the other birds that can fly anyway.
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